I feel like I spend my whole life waiting right now.
Waiting for therapy, waiting for medicines, waiting for the doctors to come in for rounds, waiting on blood work every day, waiting on test results, waiting on scans, waiting on chemo, waiting on transplant, waiting on bills, waiting on side effects, and quite honestly, waiting on the next bout of bad news…but also waiting on our miracle.
Some days it’s overwhelming. Some days it’s really easy to get buried under it and just wait for the other shoe to drop. We’ve had A LOT of setbacks and A LOT of bad news in 5 months. We joke a lot about ‘We always get the worst situation so what’s one more…’ but in all seriousness, it’s hard not to feel that way.
BUT then Jesus steps in, as He’s so good at doing. He brings scripture back to mind. ‘Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.’-Psalm 27:14 I’m reminded that Sophie is stuck waiting too. Her waiting, however, has to take place stuck in a room in one bed, hooked up to monitors and needles while she gets 8-10 drugs pumped into her day. She’s stuck watching us walk, talk, eat, and feel healthy while she throws up and has no energy to stay awake. She’s waiting too and she faces it every day with more heart and bravery than anyone her age should have to. If she can do it-so can I. But what’s so cool about it, is that neither of us has to wait alone. The Lord is with us in the waiting. Waiting can either drive you insane or it can build your faith. We can find Joy in the waiting.
As I sit here waiting, yet again, on scans and tests that could hold very bad news-I’m honestly comforted. For every BIG scan-The Lord has been here- in this same waiting room every time. We’ve had 4 big PET Scans and each time I’ve had a feeling about how it would go. And all 4 times, my feeling has been right. Whether I felt it would be bad results or amazing results—I have been right each time. I fully believe that’s the Holy Spirit nudging my heart, preparing me for what’s coming. So, as I sit here, waiting-I know that whatever these results are, that my brave baby will beat the odds. I don’t have an idea if this is good or bad news and I don’t know what that looks like or what that even means BUT I know I can trust the feeling. Whether it’s great news that this is something fixable or whether it’s bad news and she has serious damage done to her brain…it will be ok. God is BIGGER than this. He’s bigger than scans and numbers. He’s bigger than odds and doctors. I believe He’ll give us the answers to beat the cancer THEN we’ll tackle what’s going on in her brain. I also know the brain is an unpredictable and ever changing organ. When we beat the cancer–who knows what all will be available in terms of therapy, medication, and neurology.