It’s been one month. One month since I saw her eyes, watched her breathe, and held her on my chest. One month since I changed a diaper, gave a bath, and rubbed lotion on soft pale skin. One month of trying to stay so busy that I don’t have time to think. One month of going through the day only to see her face when I try to sleep. One month of sitting by a graveside, burying my face into blankets and clothes trying to find a smell, begging God to take the terrible memories away and make the good ones more vivid. One month of aching arms and broken hearts.
But at the same time…
It’s been one month of getting loved on by more people that I can name. One month of gift bags, movie nights, dinners, lunches, hugs, and sweet messages. One month of hearing countless stories of how Sophie has and is still changing lives. One month of growing closer to my husband and my God because there’s no one else to turn to. One month of longing to be ‘Mom’ and friends saying here’s my baby to love on you. One month of being in a place where I’m forced to sit and BE STILL and know that He is God. One month of being COMPLETELY SURE that there HAS to be a Big God with a big Plan otherwise, how have I made it a month? That’s nothing short of a miracle in itself. We get up each day, still sad, yet determined to live a life worth more. We are living a life that’s broken and the only thing that can hold it together is Jesus.
You know, I’ve been kind of dreading today. February 4th. One month since she left us. But, I woke up this morning at complete peace. I woke up with the sweetest thought in my heart, Shelby, you aren’t one month further from her but, you’re one month CLOSER to an eternity with her and with Jesus.that has given me such peace today, even joy almost.while there’s no joy in losing your child….I’d never try to be fake and say that….there is joy picturing her healed and whole, running and dancing and watching us. There’s joy knowing that she’d be so sad if we just curled up and didn’t do more with our lives.
So where does that leave me? Where does that leave Sophie the Brave, this blog, and her legacy? The full answer is…..I have no idea. The short answer is, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to wrap my mind around those questions. What’s next? Where do I go from here? How do I make my life about more?
So that’s what I’m exploring. I’ve been super inspired lately and am working on several different posts/articles. I’m working on a public speaking course and putting some serious time into studying my God’s Word and reaffirming in my heart that even though I am shattered and I still don’t understand why her…He is STILL BIGGER. Jonathan and I are figuring out how our marriage looks in this new light and we are looking for ways to DO MORE FOR SOPH.
How can you help?
1. Keep following our journey. I wanted this blog to be about more than Sophie and more than my journey as her mom it, about Jesus shining through all of it. And I’d love for you all to continue to follow me through this.
2. Please keep praying for us and our families and praying for what’s next for us all. Just because we have faith in the bigger picture, it doesn’t make the current picture hurt any less….like I said, I spend a lot of time with my face buried in her suitcase of hospital clothes. All the positivity in the world doesn’t change the broken hearts.
3. Pray for my speaking ministry course…..nothing may come of it but, it’s got me excited about writing and wanting opportunities to share what God is putting on my heart.
4. Keep looking for ways to DO MORE FOR SOPH and please share stories with us! It gives our hearts such joy knowing someone is doing something bigger just because Sophie inspired them.
Stay tuned for what’s to come because it just feels like the Lord has us right where He needs us.
13 thoughts on “Month One”
Continued prayers for you on this “new” journey. I have followed yours and Sophies journey and she WAS “Sophie the Brave”, but the two of you are SO BRAVE as well. While we don’t always fully understand His plans they are done for a purpose. Please keep posting and blogging and honoring your sweet girl. I KNOW God will guide and direct you on a path you are meant to be on. I admire so much your strength.
I so look forward to your posts. You truly have a gift for writing and speaking. dont ever be silent, you have a lot to share with the world path you choose. Jonathan and you are in my continued prayers🙏
Your strength & resolve are amazing! May God bless you BIG as you & Jonathan move forward & find your new “normal.”
I pray and weep for your broken hearts. Thank you for sharing your beautiful angel. She and yous have far more to teach💔❤️💋
You have blessed my life and so many others with your amazing faith in our powerful God. He is bigger than cancer. That’s what I held on to during my own battle with cancer. You and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing Sophie.
My daughter April Watters sent me your story about Sophie. My heart breaks for you and all the first you will have to face, but just stay close to God. I am excited you are considering public speaking to help thru your pain. I had a friend in Tyler, that thru the loss of her newborn The Children’s Park was created.
We never know how God will use us in a painful situation. So be in prayer and listen to Him. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless you, Gloria
Thinking of you often! Prayers for your transformation!
God is using you and Sophie’s journey to help us all remember that this world is sinful but His Love is powerful. Our prayers continue for all of you
Your words are beautiful and inspiring, this journey has already touched so many, and your faith is contagious, thank your for sharing.
Thank you for sharing Sophie and her journey with the world. I am a mum to a little girl, the strength and courage you show is what got Sophie through it all and made her so brave. Now your beautiful Sophie is a beautiful angel in heaven. I’ve cried many a times for a child that is not mine because my heart is broken. Because no parent should ever loose a child.
You and your family are always in thoughts.
Sending love and prayers from Australia xx
We are commanded to “give thanks” in all things – not just those that make us happy. Yet, I can’t seem to even go there when it comes to the loss of a child. I can, however, give thanks that God chose you as her parents and that He’s used you in every joyous and devastating situation since her diagnosis. I can give thanks that part of your healing is through writing about your experience and sharing it with us. I can give thanks that you were able to shine a light on those precious souls that chose nursing and how they’ve ministered to you and countless other families because they answered their calling. I can give thanks for the blessing and privilege of praying with countless others for Sophie and for you. I can give thanks for the grace our God has poured into and over you as a couple and that He continues to draw you closer and stretch you at your core. You ARE doing more! Your world is bigger than you’d ever imagined. I’m excited to see what He has in store for you. You are keeping Sophie alive in our hearts. She will not be forgotten.
Shelby and Jonathan, I admire you too much, you are a family that inspires. I thank you for sharing Sophie’s life and now her eternal life with God. Thank you for transmitting faith, strength and love, you make me increase my faith in God and teach me what really matters … the family and time with them!!.
You are in my prayers. A warm hug.
Shelby, your words from a broken heart …wow! Inspiring to all who read them. And you are glorifying our Great Big God! Andi and I have prayed for you all during this journey and will continue to pray! God’s great big arms will hold you all through it all, just as Sophie sits in His Arms of Love.