Another First. Another Day Closer.

I honestly didn’t know how I would feel about Mother’s Day much like I didn’t know how I would feel on Soph’s birthday. The anxiety leading up to it was pretty overwhelming. I’ve cried over little things in the past week more than I have in the last month combined. It’s so tough to think of a day where your children are to celebrate you…when your children aren’t with you anymore. I’ve been a mom for 5 Mother’s Days. In 2014 I was pregnant with our first and miscarried a week after. 2015, 2016, and 2017 were with my perfect Punkin. And then 2018 and my arms are empty.

So no, I had no idea what Mother’s Day would hold for me. I felt kind of helpless as it approached. Jonathan-always so conscious of me and my feelings-kept asking me how he could best love me on this day. He didn’t want to upset me by overdoing it OR by doing too little. Bless his heart-I wasn’t much help because I said ‘I just honestly don’t know how I’ll feel that day.’ I did know I wanted to stay busy and my sweet friends just showed up as they always do.

Friday was spent planting succulents with my sister….she says Incan’t kill them but the jury is still out on that. Green things don’t usually survive around me but, I’m willing to try. I spent the evening loving on my sweet friend Tami and Sophie’s bestie Addie Leigh at a gathering of a bunch of friends and their kiddos. Addie is doing so well in her treatment-it’s such a blessing to me to be able to watch her conquering cancer! It also helps my heart to help take care of her and I’ll forever be grateful to Tami for letting me ‘borrow’ her kids. 🙂 It’s also so great to be around people that know me, love me, and know that it’s ok to be normal around me but that it’s also ok to ask me how I am and it’s ok to talk about their life and kids.

I spent Saturday running around with my love and then dinner with some of our precious friends from church. Sweet Carolyn has left something on my doorstep every single Thursday since January 4th. The selfless way she loves me is a true example of what service should look like. We were able to sit and talk for hours and the best part-their daughter’s name is SOPHIE! I didn’t know how I’d feel being around her but oh-it was just so amazing to be able to hear and say the name I love so much. It was so so good for my soul. Our night ended on the back porch of another set of our friends just visiting and talking about life. I seriously am living life with the most amazing people. When I think of how good the Lord has been to us to put so many incredible people to walk this road with us-I’m just overwhelmed with thankfulness. I would most definitely not be functioning without my village.

So yesterday, I opened my eyes at 11:15AM. Jonathan had gone to church without waking me….because he is the MVP of all husbands and knew I very obviously just needed the sleep because his alarm almost always wakes me up. My sister and I joke that a great night’s sleep makes us feel like Disney Princesses when they wake up and, I had Disney Princess sleep Saturday night. I woke up to 47 text messages from the people I love. Words of love, encouragement, prayers typed out, memories of my sweet girl…all flooding my phone reminding me that I am SO loved. I woke up full of peace-which could only be the peace of the Lord upon me. I felt every prayer and good thought I know was being sent my way.

And Mother’s Day ended up being a pretty good day. Flowers from my bestie. More flowers from sweet friends. TONS of incredibly sweet and heartfelt Facebook messages and comments for me. The fact that people continue to take time out of their days to reach out to encourage me is just so humbling and again-reminds me how much I’m loved. I also had great workout in an empty gym-which is always a good thing! Errand running, herb garden designing, and manicures with my sister. Flowers, the most mushy and wonderful note from my love and those big, muscly arms he’s so proud of hugged me more times than I can count. He knows so well that when there’s nothing to say-a strong hug says it all. God broke the mold when He made Jonathan for me.

There were tears today. Tears as I looked at my favorite pictures of my girl. Tears as I sat at the cemetery and wiped away the dirt. Tears as I placed the fake flowers I finally bought because it kills me to have dead and gross flowers there on her spot. Tears as I knelt-like I always do, touched her name, and said ‘Bye my Punkin-I love you so.’ Tears as I read so many sweet messages that deeply touched my heart. Tears as I read the words my husband-a man of few words-poured onto paper for me. And tears as he held me because she’s supposed to be here for these days. There were tears-but also so much joy.

I ended my day at dinner celebrating my precious mother-in-law and laughing with the best family anyone could marry into. (Seriously, be jealous.) And then the famous Skiles sing-a-Long came to my house, ending with more tears as they sang Silver Wings-the song that soothed my Soph in those last days. A song that speaks so clearly to me about my little love going to be with Jesus. It’s not a religious song but, it touches my heart each time I hear it and puts me back in that hospital bed, surrounded by both of my families, holding my 25 pound-fuzzy headed cuddle partner, rubbing her smooth hands, and kissing that head. Sweet sweet memories tied to that song that I am forever thankful for.

The grace that overwhelmed us in those last 13 days is the same grace that covered me yesterday. I felt enveloped in love and peace that could only be from my Father and I like to think from my Punkin too.

I’m so honored to have been her mama. I’m forever changed because of her life, her bravery, and the promise of Eternity with her and my Savior. I’m One day closer.

“Silver wings,

Shining in the sunlight,

Roaring engines,

Headed somewhere in flight

They’re taking you away

Leaving me lonely

Silver wings

Slowly fading out of sight

Slowly fading out of sight”

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