Six months ago was probably just a day in January for you. You probably were either still enjoying Christmas break or you were getting back into the post New Years swing of things-ready to take on 2018.

Six months ago, my husband and I were holding our baby for the last time. We haven’t shared specifics about that day because most of it is just for us but we held her as she took her last breath.

We held her after she was gone. I helped the sweet child life specialists take her hand and foot prints and signed way too many papers. I bathed her and put her lavender lotion on. I changed her diaper for the last time-even though she didn’t need it. I put a pretty pink headband on her head and socks on her little feet. I put a Minnie Mouse hospital gown on her and wrapped her in the blanket we brought her home from the hospital in. I kissed every inch of her that I could and rubbed my face on her fuzzy head. I held her until it was time to lay her flat and I laid next to her while our family said goodbye one at a time. I didn’t leave her side until I had to. I held her as long as I could and then I gave very specific instructions to the chaplain about not leaving her alone.

Then we left. I quite honestly don’t remember much about leaving the hospital. I’m told countless nurses and techs lined up to tell us goodbye-I don’t remember that at all. I don’t remember really anything until we got in the car.

Six months. Half of a year. At six months pregnant, a baby is considered viable and the doctors will try to save a premie. Six months is a half birthday. A lot can happen in 6 months.

Six months isn’t a long time but, it can also feel like the blink of an eye. Some days it feels like it’s been years since I held her and on other days I can feel her weight in my arms.

I’ve lived six months without her and I’ll keep living six more months….then six more….and on and on it will go until The Lord calls me home.

People say-I don’t know how you do it-and My answer is-I don’t do it, alone.

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob,he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you” Isaiah 43: 1 & 2

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This photo is real and raw. It was snapped by my sister about 10 minutes before we kicked everyone out and about an hour before Sophie stopped breathing. We knew it was time and Ericka was not our tech that day but she came in to hold me and pray over us. I love that you can see her Beads of Courage in the corner. It’s a testament to just how much she went through. And I love that fuzzy head. It’s a hard picture to look at but, it’s real. And I’ve promised transparency.

#SophieTheBrave #DoMoreForSoph #Godisstillbigger #OneDayCloser