I’ve learned something in the last few days on our trip to Seattle for my sister’s wedding…the world doesn’t care that I’m grieving. My world felt like it stopped on January 4, 2018 when Sophie took her last breath but, it didn’t. Everything else outside of our little corner room on D6 at Children’s Health kept going. The clocks kept ticking, the hospital kept buzzing with activity, traffic still backed up, the sun still set, I kept breathing…and a whole host of other things kept going even though my body was stuck at 2:11 PM.
In the months following her death, I didn’t put myself into situations where i was around strangers much. I stayed in a bubble of people that know and care about me and Sophie. The world still moved on but, my people kept the bulk of change from slapping me in the face. Now, a few more months later, I’ve obviously re-entered the world a bit and am reminded daily that the world doesn’t care that my daughter died. My people care…but now that I’ve ventured outside of my comfort bubble of loved ones…the world is still big, it’s still turning, and it didn’t stop in January.
That became painfully obvious during our travels this week.
Grief does weird things to your brain. I now have, what I call ‘grief induced social anxiety’…I’m not a doctor but, I never had social anxiety or got overwhelmed easily before Sophie got sick. It now hits both Jonathan and myself pretty heavily sometimes…not all the time but, when it hits it’s pretty debilitating. Even with Zoloft on board.
In stressful situations, I get really overwhelmed all of a sudden, my heart pounds, I get really hot, tears tend to start leaking from my eyeballs and it leads to a full on sobfest.
And the world could care less.
On Friday, traffic didn’t care that we had a flight to catch for my sister’s wedding in Seattle. The 6 wrecks we passed had no clue that it had already been a hard week for me and neither did the construction crews that stopped us for almost an hour. The traffic in Seattle and the ferry schedules didn’t care that I was 200% overwhelmed by the time we got in our rent car at 7pm
Seattle time. None of it cared that I was on the verge of a full on panic meltdown. The rain and wet roads didn’t care that I was in tears because I was missing my sister’s rehearsal dinner on top of everything else. The world doesn’t care that I get anxious being away from home because I’m away from the cemetery…away from my girl. Then on our way home, yesterday, Hurricane Michael didn’t care that I was so ready to be away from large crowds and in my home on the couch under blankets. Airport delays didn’t care that the emotional hangover was setting in and I just needed to decompress at home for a bit.
Grief multiplies stress.
Stress multiplies exhaustion.
Exhaustion multiplies grief…..and on it goes, until it passes.
And the world doesn’t care but, Jesus does.
He knows the anxiety.
He knows the stress.
He knows the overwhelmed sense of panic.
He knows the tears.
He knows the grief behind it all.
He knows your heart.
He knows you.
He is the Shepherd that leaves the 99 sheep to find the one that’s lost.
And you know what? It’s already redeemed. Because we decided that driving home from Dallas at 1AM wasn’t safe so we got a hotel. Now, today, after 10 hours of sleep…we are going to visit the hospital and our sweet friend Addie. So yeah, Friday and yesterday’s travels were awful. But we had precious time with my family. My sister married her person in a gorgeous ceremony and we got to take in some incredible scenery.
We are thankful to be safely back in Texas. We are thankful to get to love on our nurses and friends.
So I’m calling that a win.
#SophieTheBrave #DoMoreForSoph #GodisBigger #OneDayCloser #AddiesArmy #WorldMentalHealthDay #1in5
2 thoughts on “The world doesn’t care that I’m grieving.”
This brought back memories of the loss of my little girl. The most devastating thing in the world had just happened to me – changing me forever! But smiling actors still sold products on tv commercials as if nothing had happened. People still ate and talked in restaurants as if nothing happened. Comedians had the audacity to tell jokes as if nothing happened. Even family members seemed to get back to normal life sooner than I thought they should.
Because it didn’t happen to any of them. And even people close to me didn’t experience the pain to the depth that I did. How dare they all keep on going along so normally. My child was gone. And the only companions who stayed with me continually were panic and anxiety – until God stepped in and held me.
I don’t remembered how long after her death it happened, but one day I was listening to a comedian and I laughed; and I knew that eventually I was going live again.
I understand. My aunt killed herself and I found her. It has been over 20 years but I still have a problem with Thanksgiving. It was the day after that she did this. I am better but still sounds take me right back there. I pray for you and Jonathan daily. I am a good friend with Addie Leigh’s Gigi in Athens. I am glad you went to see Addie. I know this is hard trying to keep her busy in her room.