Next steps are really hard

I did a really hard thing.

A thing that has been hanging onto my mind for weeks.

The thing I’ve been dreading ever since we found out that Baby #2 is a boy.

I cleaned out and packed up Sophie’s things.

She was never at our current home. We moved shortly after she relapsed. We wanted to be closer to our local hospital, to our support system, and we wanted a new clean environment for her to come home to.

But she never came home.

Most of her things were already in bins in the closet but, clothes were in the dresser and the whole closet was hers…but little brother is coming. And I’ll confess to feeling immense loss at that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO EXCITED to meet my son. I already love him and want him here. But I’m also mourning being a girl mom. I’m so sad that there won’t be any bows or tea parties. I probably won’t be watching Sofia the First or Tinkerbell. My favorite baby girl outfits won’t be getting reworn. And I’m sad. So freaking sad.

So, this week, I got It all out and packed it up. I touched it all. Every piece of clothing. Every blanket and towel. Every bib and burp cloth. Everything she once wore or touched. I cried and smiled and admittedly really wished I could’ve had a glass of wine while I was doing it. But I got it done.

I was even able to pull a few gender neutral outfits out that brother can wear and some towels and blankets that he can snuggle in. I got out the bottles and nursing accessories. And I packed the rest up for my parents’ attic…praying that one day, we’ll be blessed with another girl that will use them.

The best part though, is what didn’t get packed up. We decided that some things are just too special for storage. Too important to be packed away. And those things now have a very cherished place. We got a storage ottoman for our room…and I set aside things for that place. So now, she has a place in our room with us. And that makes my heart happy.

I can’t say that doing this made me feel ‘better’…it sucked. Every second of it just plain sucked. I should be setting up her own ‘big girl’ room AND baby brother’s room-not packing her stuff away. But I do feel a sense of a weight lifted off. This big thing on my to do list that I don’t have to stress about anymore. Now, I feel better about preparing for Connor…because Sophie’s things have been cared for and placed in a special place.

#SophietheBrave #DoMoreForSoph #GodisBigger #OneDayCloser #childhoodcancerawareness #cancermom #childloss #lossmom #rainbowbabybrother #ConnorJackson #BigSisterSoph #livingwithgrief

2 thoughts on “Next steps are really hard

  1. My heart is with you for your courage. I think of you as “Sophie’s mommy, the brave.” I had a beutiful little boy after losing my little girl. I wondered if I could love him like I loved her. Did I have the capacity? He had issues at birth and had to stay in the hospital for two weeks. The night before he came home I was feeling so many emotions. I felt guilty for loving another child.

    We went to a movie that evening. It was “Always” with Richard Dreyfus and Holly Hunter. Watch the last scene as Dreyfus’ character gives her permission to love again. It freed my heart as I sat there in the theatre sobbing tears of release and relief.

    You are healing a little more every day. ♥️

    Like

  2. Congratulations to you both. The baby will probably most likely have some of Sofie little traits! 😄🙏

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s