I’d be lying if I said that this pregnancy has been easy. Ironically, it’s been physically an absolute dream so far-completely different that the first 18 weeks with Sophie. Not being on full restricted bed rest with constant hemorrhaging…obviously that’s been amazing. And I knew that mentally and emotionally this would be hard…adding hormone overload to to grief was never going to be fun. It’s been harder than I anticipated.
Trying to balance extreme sadness with extreme joy without feeling guilty about it. Managing such big feelings of loss and wanting to prepare for something new. Being completely torn with so badly wanting another girl but, also being really excited for something new with a sweet boy.
It’s been a rollercoaster.
So naturally, I’ve been a nervous and anxious wreck leading up to our big 18 week anatomy ultrasound. All I’ve wanted was to see fingers and toes and healthy organs. I’ve been terrified that they’d find a giant softball sized tumor in his chest like his sister’s. I’ve needed to lay eyes on him.
Yesterday, we got that.
Connor is absolutely perfect. He’s measuring exactly where he should be. His brain, heart, and other systems are all perfect. There’s no tumors. He’s just a tiny, sweet little boy….he’s DEFINITELY a boy.
He even looks a lot like Sophie’s 18 week ultrasound. And we are so thankful. It made it even more real. Seeing him looking like a real human-and he’s ok…it took a weight off I didn’t even realize was there.
Will that weight stay off? Probably not. That’s just how grief and anxiety work. It’s how life after cancer works. But it’s life…it’s our life. Continually living between sadness and joy while being filled up with unending Grace from the One who loves us more than we can imagine.