Relearning Lessons

The beginning of last week was rough.

We had a busy weekend so baby Connor slept all day Sunday. That’s not an exaggeration. He barely woke up to eat every few hours but those eyes stayed closed all day long. So, of course, he was up partying all night Sunday night. I even took him to our guest room so Jonathan could sleep because I figured at least one of us should get some sleep.

Monday morning, we were supposed to get up and head to Dallas for Connor’s first visit to Children’s. Since SO many people donated to Gold Network’s prize closet fundraiser in Sophie’s name, we wanted to go help deliver all of the goodies and show Connor where his sister was so brave. However, after him not sleeping, we decided putting him in the car for two hours just wasn’t what was best for him. And I was so bummed. I wanted to go so badly. We haven’t been to visit since Sophie’s birthday in March and I just really wanted to go. I know there will be other trips when he’s older and we’ll take him soon and it’ll be great. I was still just disappointed. With Connor’s birth at the beginning of September, I didn’t get to participate in any Childhood Cancer Awareness Month events so I wanted to do this for her…and for me honestly. But we didn’t, and I was sad.

That sad carried into a long Monday at home alone with a very fussy and clingy baby. You’d think after partying all of Sunday night that he’d sleep a lot on Monday? Not so much. He was awake and wanting to be help from 10AM until about 4 when he took a 40 minute nap and then it was back to being fussy and clingy.

So, you’re thinking that means he must’ve slept so much on Monday night right?


He slept in basically 90 minute intervals and was awake for an hour in between those intervals with gas and wanting to use me as a chew toy and pacifier. It was rough.

Tuesday dawned and we started our day with him peeing all over his own face and my bed because…mom keeps forgetting she has a little boy this time. Then there was an up the back blowout and so much spit up. Like the thick, sticky spit up. He also barely let us put him down and mainly wanted me.

And I was frustrated.

While I am so incredibly thankful for the gift of my sweet son-knowing how short life can be, how precious it is, and how hard we tried to get him here. So thankful. I love him so much and am so obsessed with him. But I was still frustrated. Its hard being in the throws of postpartum hormones and the things that come with that. For me it’s constant hot flashing, dry skin, breakouts, neck and back aches from nursing A LOT, hormone headaches, and sore breasts from, again nursing A LOT. (For real-this kid nurses 35 hours a day I swear.) It’s hard for me relearning kind of how to be a mom. I haven’t had a newborn in almost 5 years and I haven’t ‘mommed’ anyone since January 4, 2018. So it’s hard momming a new baby while grieving his sister. And being tired is just hard for anyone but I think especially for a new mom.

Connor is way more of a mama’s baby than Sophie was. Soph was independent from day one-perfectly happy in the swing or bassinet by herself. Connor on the other hand wants to be held and cuddled. He wants me 90% of the time. My heart loves it-God knew my heart needed a cuddly baby that loves me as much as I love him. It does get tiring though never getting a break.

But-God stepped into my chaos in the form of my husband.

Jonathan walked in the door Tuesday evening, took one look at me…walking around the living room with a fussy baby that had just projectile spit all over me. My face must’ve looked a bit scary because he said ‘Why don’t you give me the baby, leave a bottle with me, and go get an uninterrupted workout and a hot shower’

Bless that man.

He knew he was in for an hour of a fussy baby that wanted me and hates the bottle. He knew he’d probably be bouncing and shushing him. But he loves him and he loves me and he knew I needed that hour. Plus-he doesn’t get near enough cuddles so obviously he could care less if he got fussy cuddles as long as there were cuddles to be had. And guess what?

We all survived and hit the reset button.

I got a great, sweaty workout in a AND a hot shower. Jonathan got some much needed one on one time and cuddles with Connor. And Connor…well, he did begrudgingly accept 4oz of milk from a bottle and fell asleep in his daddy’s arms.

I instantly felt better.

We ended up getting great sleep that night.

And the rest of the week has carried on uneventfully.

We are parenting. We are grieving.

I wish my girl was here for it so much….but I sure do Love these two boys and our imperfect life together.

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