grief

Another First. Another Day Closer.

I honestly didn’t know how I would feel about Mother’s Day much like I didn’t know how I would feel on Soph’s birthday. The anxiety leading up to it was pretty overwhelming. I’ve cried over little things in the past week more than I have in the last month combined. It’s so tough to think of a day where your children are to celebrate you…when your children aren’t with you anymore. I’ve been a mom for 5 Mother’s Days. In 2014 I was pregnant with our first and miscarried a week after. 2015, 2016, and 2017 were with my perfect Punkin. And then 2018 and my arms are empty.

So no, I had no idea what Mother’s Day would hold for me. I felt kind of helpless as it approached. Jonathan-always so conscious of me and my feelings-kept asking me how he could best love me on this day. He didn’t want to upset me by overdoing it OR by doing too little. Bless his heart-I wasn’t much help because I said ‘I just honestly don’t know how I’ll feel that day.’ I did know I wanted to stay busy and my sweet friends just showed up as they always do.

Friday was spent planting succulents with my sister….she says Incan’t kill them but the jury is still out on that. Green things don’t usually survive around me but, I’m willing to try. I spent the evening loving on my sweet friend Tami and Sophie’s bestie Addie Leigh at a gathering of a bunch of friends and their kiddos. Addie is doing so well in her treatment-it’s such a blessing to me to be able to watch her conquering cancer! It also helps my heart to help take care of her and I’ll forever be grateful to Tami for letting me ‘borrow’ her kids. 🙂 It’s also so great to be around people that know me, love me, and know that it’s ok to be normal around me but that it’s also ok to ask me how I am and it’s ok to talk about their life and kids.

I spent Saturday running around with my love and then dinner with some of our precious friends from church. Sweet Carolyn has left something on my doorstep every single Thursday since January 4th. The selfless way she loves me is a true example of what service should look like. We were able to sit and talk for hours and the best part-their daughter’s name is SOPHIE! I didn’t know how I’d feel being around her but oh-it was just so amazing to be able to hear and say the name I love so much. It was so so good for my soul. Our night ended on the back porch of another set of our friends just visiting and talking about life. I seriously am living life with the most amazing people. When I think of how good the Lord has been to us to put so many incredible people to walk this road with us-I’m just overwhelmed with thankfulness. I would most definitely not be functioning without my village.

So yesterday, I opened my eyes at 11:15AM. Jonathan had gone to church without waking me….because he is the MVP of all husbands and knew I very obviously just needed the sleep because his alarm almost always wakes me up. My sister and I joke that a great night’s sleep makes us feel like Disney Princesses when they wake up and, I had Disney Princess sleep Saturday night. I woke up to 47 text messages from the people I love. Words of love, encouragement, prayers typed out, memories of my sweet girl…all flooding my phone reminding me that I am SO loved. I woke up full of peace-which could only be the peace of the Lord upon me. I felt every prayer and good thought I know was being sent my way.

And Mother’s Day ended up being a pretty good day. Flowers from my bestie. More flowers from sweet friends. TONS of incredibly sweet and heartfelt Facebook messages and comments for me. The fact that people continue to take time out of their days to reach out to encourage me is just so humbling and again-reminds me how much I’m loved. I also had great workout in an empty gym-which is always a good thing! Errand running, herb garden designing, and manicures with my sister. Flowers, the most mushy and wonderful note from my love and those big, muscly arms he’s so proud of hugged me more times than I can count. He knows so well that when there’s nothing to say-a strong hug says it all. God broke the mold when He made Jonathan for me.

There were tears today. Tears as I looked at my favorite pictures of my girl. Tears as I sat at the cemetery and wiped away the dirt. Tears as I placed the fake flowers I finally bought because it kills me to have dead and gross flowers there on her spot. Tears as I knelt-like I always do, touched her name, and said ‘Bye my Punkin-I love you so.’ Tears as I read so many sweet messages that deeply touched my heart. Tears as I read the words my husband-a man of few words-poured onto paper for me. And tears as he held me because she’s supposed to be here for these days. There were tears-but also so much joy.

I ended my day at dinner celebrating my precious mother-in-law and laughing with the best family anyone could marry into. (Seriously, be jealous.) And then the famous Skiles sing-a-Long came to my house, ending with more tears as they sang Silver Wings-the song that soothed my Soph in those last days. A song that speaks so clearly to me about my little love going to be with Jesus. It’s not a religious song but, it touches my heart each time I hear it and puts me back in that hospital bed, surrounded by both of my families, holding my 25 pound-fuzzy headed cuddle partner, rubbing her smooth hands, and kissing that head. Sweet sweet memories tied to that song that I am forever thankful for.

The grace that overwhelmed us in those last 13 days is the same grace that covered me yesterday. I felt enveloped in love and peace that could only be from my Father and I like to think from my Punkin too.

I’m so honored to have been her mama. I’m forever changed because of her life, her bravery, and the promise of Eternity with her and my Savior. I’m One day closer.

“Silver wings,

Shining in the sunlight,

Roaring engines,

Headed somewhere in flight

They’re taking you away

Leaving me lonely

Silver wings

Slowly fading out of sight

Slowly fading out of sight”

The grief ‘limit’

It makes me so mad that literally everyday there’s some EXTRA reminder that my daughter fought cancer and died. Like I don’t think about it all day everyday and just need another needle in my heart. I hate that I don’t get to choose when something is going to pop out and slap me in the face. I hate that I’ll tear up over something little and really I’m ok but, my body says ‘No, you’re going to sob for 30 minutes and nothing you do can stop it!’ I didn’t choose this grief and IT. MAKES. ME. SO. MAD. That I don’t get to choose when and how I grieve.

Today was supposed to be super fun and it was….until it wasn’t. Every year, the first weekend of May is a big country music BBQ festival in Tyler. We love it. All of our friends go, we get to eat tons of delicious BBQ, listen to our favorite Texas Country, and be together. Last year, we went and my mom came and babysat our (we thought) healthy Soph. Last year, we were having some of our last happy and normal moments and we had no idea. Last year, we were 11 days from cancer and 8 months from the worst day of our lives…..and no one saw it coming.

May has always been one of my favorite months. Jonathan’s Birthday, my mom’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and the end of the school year all happen in May! And then we added diagnosis day to that. That’s been on my mind a lot lately but, I really wanted to have fun today and then face Mother’s Day next week. But my brain had different plans. Most of the day was great! Then I just hit my limit-and anyone who has experienced profound grief knows what limit I mean. I hit the ‘being around a bunch of happy people’ limit. We can do it for awhile and genuinely have fun but, once the limit is reached, there’s no recovering…it’s just time to go home.

I know I’m at that limit when I tear up and can’t blink it away. When the big crocodile tears just fall from my eyeballs out of nowhere and nothing can stop them. It’s just-oh hey you’re sad now, sorry about ruining your day. So, I hid behind my sunglasses, told Jonathan it was time to go, and started power walking to the car. Once in the car, I felt better. I had space to breathe. Now we are home, under blankets, watching basketball and that’s ok. I listened to my limit.

At least we looked cute in public for a few hours.

Another example of being blindsided by grief: a few weeks ago I scheduled a long overdue dentist appointment. Why was it overdue? Because my last cleaning was in February before Sophie was diagnosed. I had to explain to the dentist (who was super kind by the way) that the reason I missed my August appointment is because I was in Dallas with my daughter trying to get her rehabbed for a stem cell transplant. And then the whole story spilled out. He was so sweet and listened and teared up as he said he was so sorry and he patted my arm and asked if he could do anything extra for me today. I appreciated that so much.

As if that experience wasn’t enough, as I’m sitting in the waiting room waiting for my hygienist, a song comes on. Not just a song that makes me sentimental and not just a sad song. Oh no, THE song that was playing in that hospital room on January 4th at 2:11pm when my baby took her last breath. The song that I had been actively avoiding until I was ready to listen to it on my own terms. That right there-was my limit for that day and had nowhere to retreat to so I just cried in the full dentist waiting room. People stared, I sobbed, and a sweet employee came and took me to an empty exam room.

Sometimes I cry grocery shopping. Birthday candles, applesauce, mac-n-cheese, the baby aisle, bananas, oatmeal, yogurt….they were all her favorites and they all make me cry. The store by our house probably thinks I’m either famous or crazy because I shop with sunglasses on fairly often.

Butterflies, Disney characters, little girls with brown hair……she’s everywhere. It makes me so mad but at the same time I’m so thankful for the reminders. I’m thankful for the blindside hit and the slap in the face. I’m thankful for my limits. They are reminders that she was real. She was important. And she was mine. So, I’ll keep trying to fit into my new normal-even though that normal changes weekly. And I’ll keep reminding myself that when I can’t do it-when I hit the limit-that I have a BIG God to hand it all to. I don’t have to force a smile or tie a pretty bow around it. I don’t have to apologize for being sad or worry if I make others uncomfortable. I’ll keep giving myself the grace to just feel what I feel, when I feel it. Joy, sadness, rage, fear, guilt, love, loneliness, hope, gratitude…..she’s worth it all.

Mimosas and Kindness

A few weeks ago ( 4 Days after Sophie’s birthday to be exact) I took my first solo trip to see my sweet friend and mentor in Pensacola while my husband was on his brother’s bachelor party trip. I tackled security, airport crowds, eating alone, terminal waiting, and flights alone. I’ve historically not been great at being alone so I wanted to make the most of my time. I ate a nice lunch with a mimosa in Dallas while listening to our church’s sermon Podcast.( Bethel Bible Church on the Podcast app….you should listen to it!) While eating and taking notes I of course started thinking of my girl and of #DoMoreForSoph. Anyways, my waitress at lunch was super sweet and I decided to start my trip by telling someone about my girl and encouraging her with a big tip and a note! It was something small but, I hope it made her day as much as it made mine!

Then I boarded my first flight and we ended up with a delay on the runway because the airport we were flying into was experiencing a lot of incoming flights. People moaned and groaned and the flight attendants were kind and smiling. I just ate my free pretzels, had mimosa #2, and watched another episode of ER. We landed in Houston an hour late and then our connecting flight on the same plane was delayed due to an unruly passenger having to be removed by TSA-it was exciting.

Anyways, people are just rude on planes sometimes especially when there’s delays. The flight attendants and pilots were so kind and positive and kept smiles on their faces even though I know those days are so stressful for them. I decided it was a good time to spread a little more Soph love and handed the head attendant a note and some Sophie The Brave on my way off of the plane.

I don’t share this for any pats on the back-I’ve had my fair share of eye rolling and sighs when I get inconvenienced but, I really have tried to not sweat the small stuff after what we experienced with Sophie. I know I’ve written about feeling rage a lot and there are days that I fail at being positive and i sweat ALL the small stuff. Overwhelmingly though, I really do try to just smile at negative stuff. Life is just too short to complain all the time-my goal moving forward is to try to spread joy more than complain and sharing my girl’s story is the perfect way to do that!

So, next time you’re delayed at an airport, stuck in traffic, at the DMV, experiencing rude people, having a stressful work day, exasperated with your kids, irritated with your spouse or any number of other inconveniences that come up….stop, take a breath, and remember that life is short and you can change your whole day or someone else’s by just choosing kindness.

#SophieTheBrave #DoMoreForSoph #GodisstillBIGGER

Sophie the Brave Day

Monday, March 19th is Sophie’s 3rd birthday. We want to celebrate her memory by affecting as many people as we can in a positive way! We invite anyone and everyone to #DoMoreForSoph on her birthday! You can go BIG or small, spend a bunch of money, or give away free smiles! Whatever you can do to make someone’s day better because Sophie made everyday she was alive better just by being herself.

Kindness is everywhere around the holidays but, falls off after a bit. So many of the organizations and places that are packed with volunteers and donations from October to January are empty and lonely by March.

Some ideas of examples:

-Collect items to donate to hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, etc.

-Pay for someone’s meal in line behind you

-Take water and snacks to people working outside in construction crews, lawn services, etc.

-Send someone flowers or an encouraging note

-Take your kids on a special date

-Do someone nice for your spouse or household that you wouldn’t normally do

– Find a local volunteer opportunity

-Donate school supplies to your kid’s teachers

-Take a meal to someone that might be struggling

-Let someone know you’re praying for them

-Sign up for monthly donations to a worthwhile organization OR make a one time donation.

Some good organizations to look into are Gold Network of East Texas, St. Baldrick’s, Alex’s Lemonade Stand, Samaritan’s Purse, Layla’s Legacy, Sadie Keller Foundation, YoungLife, Refuge of Light

-Sponsor a needy child through Compassion

-Make cards for hospitals, police stations, nursing homes, etc.

-Send snacks to nurses stations at the hospital or doctor’s offices

-start collecting items for Operation Christmas Child in December

Feel free to share any ideas you have in the comments and PLEASE share how you #DoMoreForSoph on her birthday and any day between now and then!

We, as Sophie’s family will be celebrating her by taking a load of items to Children’s! We will have things for the parents of inpatient kids as well as supplies for Child Life to give to kiddos needing encouragement! Although this day will be so hard without her here with us, it brings me such JOY to know that she will be remembered and celebrated all over!

We miss her so dearly but, find comfort in the huge support we have found throughout her journey. Thank you for keeping the memory of our brave Sophie alive by sharing her story and bringing more JOY and KINDNESS to the world in her name!

I have created a Sophie the Brave Day Event on our Facebook page and I will be sharing different ideas for acts of kindness each day leading up to Sophie’s Day. Feel free to join that event and share it with others! Sophie deserves the world celebrating her!

A heart that is Broken, yet full

Last week, I wrote about visiting our four sweet friends that were all inpatient at Children’s. We used that as an opportunity to visit the hospital together for the first time since Sophie died. (It’s still SO weird to write that word.) I have an update on two of our friends and they are VASTLY different updates. One of them is full of joy and celebration and the other is buried in grief and loss. These two stories, along with my own current story, and a pretty difficult bible study week on suffering have made for a very hard yet, thought provoking week for me.

On Sunday, February 18th, our friend Kaylynn took her last breath in her mother’s arms. She has been terminal since October but, she’s been very stable recently so her sudden passing was a shock to her family. My heart shattered when my sweet friend text me that she was gone. I wanted to jump through the phone and grab her and hold her tight. I also was struck with very weird emotions. I was obviously just crushed that my friend has to feel what I feel. That she has to have the image of holding her child as she died and all of the horrible things that the hours afterward contain. Those are memories that NO ONE should have to endure. At the same time though, I was slightly and very selfishly relieved because now, I’m not ‘alone’. That’s not something that I’m proud of thinking….obviously I would NEVER wish losing a child on anyone. But I’ve vowed to be completely transparent throughout the last 9 months and this is part of that transparency-being broken for my friend but finding small comfort in someone else knowing how I feel. I shared last week that I felt a huge pull to become Lindsey’s friend and now I fully believe we were meant to become friends to walk this very long and hard road together. That makes me thankful. Not thankful that our sweet girls had to suffer and leave us way too soon but, thankful that we have each other to lean on.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The Word of God has been such a comfort to me in the last 9 months but, especially in the past 7 weeks and it calls me to comfort others.

It has been so hard this week to relive Sophie’s death and the days after as I try to comfort my friend but, having friends that walked this road before me was such a blessing, I can’t sit by and not try to help another mom. Because of my tragedy it has given me a greater sense of oneness with others who experience tragedy in any form but, especially in the loss of their child. Granted, it’s only been 7 weeks and I am definitely not ‘doing grief right’ every day but, I can feel for them in a very unique way that most if not all of their friends just cannot feel. (PS-Just to clarify there is no right or wrong way to do grief.)

Yesterday, there was a light shining on this dark and rainy week in the form of another of our friends. Abigail went back to the hospital for a post-op check up after her lung biopsy last Thursday. They were absolutely SHOCKED to find out that she is NED (no evidence of disease) and was receiving her LAST CHEMO EVER yesterday! Our sweet friends were floored! Not only is their baby cancer free but, she is finishing treatment only 6 months in…way sooner than they ever anticipated! My heart was completely bursting with joy for them! I wanted to get in the car and drive to Dallas and jump up and down and cry with them! I still might just show up at their house for my own impromptu party so, Jessica get ready ha! My immediate response was oh Thank you Father for this gift but then, again, the selfishness reared its ugly head with jealousy in the midst of my joy. SO incredibly thrilled for my friends but, so very jealous of their good news and so sad that we didn’t have the same outcome. But how sweet of the Lord to remind me that even in the middle of a hard week, He’s still so good and grief is not all there is for me. The light of my friends’ joy gets to shine into my darkness and speak life to me. How good He is to give me a friend that I can be completely honest with and say-I’m truly happy for you but so jealous and for her to say-in my joy I thought of you too. How GOOD He is to provide this kind of friendship for both of us to be so fully engrossed in our own different situations but also so aware of the other person too. It’s just incredible to me that I’d never have met these amazing people if it wasn’t for cancer. Good things can come even here.

That’s the Gospel at work. Creating beauty from ashes and shining light in the darkness. Finding hope where there seemingly is none and realizing that suffering isn’t forever. God doesn’t enjoy the suffering of His creation, nor does He cause that suffering. Our God heals (Jeremiah 30:17). He walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23). Even in eternity He wears the scars of Jesus’ suffering as a constant reminder that our suffering matters to Him. God did not cause it, but God will ultimately heal it. He calls us in so many different places in the Bible to FEAR NOT.

Now, all of that doesn’t answer the lingering question that’s on my heart after a roller coaster week like this one…Why do some kids have amazing outcomes and others (like mine) don’t? It’s a natural question that I’m sure every single person is thinking that’s reading this. I don’t have the answer but, I have the divine peace that helps me say… I’m ok not knowing. It doesn’t make my grief easier, it doesn’t bring Sophie or Kaylynn or any of the other lost ones back. It doesn’t cure cancer or make any of this make sense. But there’s comfort in eternity, there’s light in the darkness, there’s healing….. on earth as it is in heaven.

Please be praying for:

1. Kaylynn’s family as they celebrate her life this weekend and start the journey that no one wants to take.

2. Praise the Lord for the healing of Abigail and pray for continued health for her as she recovers and goes on to what’s next.

3. Continuing praying for Jase and Addie as they both are still inpatient at Children’s waiting for their immune systems to bounce back.

4. Pray for us as we grieve with Kaylynn’s family while a,so celebrating with other families. Pray that we can navigate ALL of the emotions that come with that.

5. Pray for our weekly counseling sessions that we started this week. We are hopeful that we will be able to talk through our grief and grow closer to each other.

Thanks friends.

6 weeks

Today my heart is heavy. It has been 6 weeks since my sweet one went to Jesus. Today is also International Childhood Cancer Day. Today ALSO happens to be the day that I will step back into the halls of Children’s Medical for the first time since I left my baby there 6 weeks ago. Today is heavy but, today also has purpose.

When we were at the hospital, I was very hesitant to make friends. While I know having a strong network of other cancer families is very important, it’s also incredibly hard to take on the grief and worry of other people while you’re right in the middle of fighting for your own child’s life. At least, that’s how it was for me. I didn’t really put myself out there to make friends because it just felt like too much. Too much worry, too manny tears, and just…too much CANCER! Sure, I followed the Children’s Cancer Family Page on Facebook, knew several names and faces, even had some good conversations but, as far as like exchanging numbers and becoming true friends…I just couldn’t do it. Self protection I guess.

The Lord knew better for me though because 5 weeks into our treatment another Tyler family was hit with Leukemia in their 4 year old son, Jase. They were at the hospital with nothing and I knew that feeling all too well so I went yo Walgreens, made a care bag, and left it at the nurse’s desk for them with my phone number. Shauna, Jase’s mom text me that night and my first real cancer friendship was born. They visited us every week when they came for chemo and I just love them so.

6 days later, Sophie’s best friend from church, Addie Leigh and her precious mom Tami showed up with Leukemia as well. Tami and I were pregnant together and friends from church so obviously, God sent us both to Children’s for each other. We also are pretty similar to each other which is great! She has been invaluable to me and I’m so thankful for our growing friendship in the midst of the horrible.

In August, when Sophie relapsed, we sat in the ICU waiting room while she was sedated and intubated. I see a guy walk in with like 23 children! Ok-it was like 8 but it seemed like a ton to my tired brain. I hear his children asking ‘How can mom nurse the baby if the baby can’t go back in the icu room?!’ They were seriously distraught. I immediately interjected-sorry to eavesdrop but you guys need a Ronald McDonald room ASAP!-We quickly found out Dustin and Jessica were the parents of Abigail who had just had her kidney removed with a Whilm’s tumor. They were beginning their cancer journey right there where we did-in ICU. We’ve since formed the most incredible friendship with them!

Then lastly, my sweet friend Lindsey. I had seen her daughter Kaylynn for months but never reached out to them-self protection remember? Then in October (I think), I read on the Children’s page that Kaylynn was considered terminal and my heart just broke. The Lord was telling me to befriend her mom, there’s no other way to describe it. I felt this unexplainable pull to her. So I messaged her on Facebook and we ended up meeting in the hallway and sitting in a side sitting room on the 6th floor for an hour one day while both of our girls slept. I know now, we were meant to walk the ‘terminal’ road together.

These friends of mine mean more to me than I could ever tell them. I pray for their babies every morning and at night when I can’t sleep. I tell Soph about them when I visit her at the cemetery and I ask her to help them be brave like her. I will admit that I some days have a hard time texting them because….well….their kids are still here. But what’s so great about these friends is that-I know they understand and they love me still. I know they pray for me because they tell me every time they do. I HATE the circumstances that formed these friendships but oh how thankful I am for them.

j

Today. 6 weeks after losing Sophie, I will walk down those halls to see ALL FOUR of my friends. They are ALL at the hospital right now. The halls are still full. Cancer doesn’t change and it doesn’t stop. I’m dreading the walk up the skybridge and the ride up that stupid talking Train elevator. But at the same time, I’m SO looking forward to hugging my friends and THE NURSES!!!!!!! Oh I can’t wait to hug me some nurses!!!

I am a purpose driven person. Give me a task and I can make it work. So today, I have a purpose. Today I will hug my friends, pray for their children, bring them food, and bring goodies to make them all smile and feel a little less like cancer. I wish I could do more but, people did SO much for us that I’m so blessed to be able to do anything for my friends.

Today, I ask you to pray for us and for our friends.

1. Pray for Jonathan and I as we walk those halls and hug those necks. Just pray for us.

2. Pray for Abigail. Her surgery is today to remove 2 nodules from her lungs and test them for cancer. This is HUGE for the remainder of her treatment. Pray that she recovers well and is CANCER FREE!!

3. Pray for Addie Leigh. Addie has been inpatient for over 2 weeks now with fever, no immune system, nerve pain, and viruses. Pray big that she will bounce back and be able to go home soon! Pray that PT will work miraculously for her legs and feet!

4. Pray for Jase. He was admitted yesterday for fever, RSV, and 2 viruses. He also has ZERO immune system. Pray that antibiotics will kick these problems and pray protection over him.

5. Pray for Kaylynn. While she is considered terminal, she is getting palliative chemo to give her time with her mama. Pray for a miracle to save Kaylynn but also pray that she feels good and can make the most of her time with her family.

6. Finally, I ask you to pray about how you can help kids like this. Do some research into organizations that fund research for better chemo and cures!

I know its a lot to pray for but, there’s a lot of kids….and a lot of cancer. They deserve so much more. God is still good and He’s still bigger. He’s big enough for this and so much more.

#AbigailtheWarriorPrincess #AddiesArmy #HulkStrong #PrayingforKaylynn #DoMoreForSoph

H.O.P.E.

I don’t know the date most of the time these days. Each day just comes and goes like the day before. I try to stay so busy that I don’t have time to think. Today, though, it’s impossible to not know the date. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. The day that we show the ones we love most that we care. Now, Jonathan and I have never really done the big Valentine’s Day thing. We have never needed a certain day to show that we care-we usually just use it as a much needed date night at our favorite place, Mario’s. Tomorrow, we will still go on our date but, there won’t be a little brown eyed girl to go home to. I won’t have my favorite little Valentine to kiss and cuddle. It’s just one more reminder of what we don’t have anymore. Her absence is felt everyday but, certain days and things bring it up more.

We are just sad. There’s not really a redemptive way to sugar coat it. She’s gone and we feel the hole she’s left behind. Some days are worse than others but, we miss her. It’s that simple, and yet so very complicated.

I’ve been staying super busy trying to cope.

There’s been lunches with friends and I’ve started working out with a trainer. I’m in a women’s Bible study group that I’m truly enjoying. It’s a deep study about the life of Jesus that makes my brain tired but, my heart full. I also was given the most amazing devotional and several grief books that are all very helpful. I’ve been writing a ton that’s been incredibly therapeutic for me. I’ve even submitted a few of my articles to paid blog sites and will hopefully be getting to share those soon! I’m also continuing to pursue working on a possible speaking ministry. At the same time that keeping busy is good, it also can be too much. I’ve had a couple of days where I’ve been just tired. Tired of having to stay busy, tired of holding it together, and mainly tired of being without my baby. So there’s pros and cons to everything. Staying busy makes you tired but, doing nothing makes you sit around and cry. I think there’s a healthy balance to be found but, that looks different every single day.

Someone once told me that their heart was so broken but also so full. That’s how I feel, full of the promise of what’s to come but, broken by the world taking my sweet girl.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

In all of these things though, I still find hope. And right now hope looks like H.O.P.E-Helping Other People Everyday

Jesus calls us to be servants to others, to put ourselves last no matter what. We are to make use of our time and money for the good of others and for the good of the kingdom. That can look like all kinds of things. Personally, I’ve found lately that helping my sweet cancer mom friends brings me so much peace. If that means bringing food, babysitting a child while they’re in the hospital, sending them a devotional, or just sending a text that says ‘I love you and I prayed for you today.’ None of those things are huge but, they speak volumes to my friends.

I’m still trying to think of ways to DO MORE and I think I have a pretty good idea of a few things that we can do starting with taking toys to the hospital on Sophie’s birthday in March. I’m hoping that the Lord will show us where to go after that. We want to be used to help the many kids and families affected by cancer. Doing nothing is not an option now that we know just how big the world is.

Here’s a list of a few ways that people are doing more that have been shared with me:

-joining the bone marrow registry Be The Match

-give blood

-cancer survivors becoming volunteer patient liaisons for people currently battling cancer

-sponsoring a child through an organization. We currently sponsor a child from Compassion International. I know there are a ton of great organizations out there but, we have personal experience with Compassion and know it’s a legit and wonderful way to give back.

-Children’s Hospitals need volunteers in all kinds of areas. Contact your local hospital to find out what you can do.

-pay for someone’s meal or coffee

-Take a meal or an encouraging gift to a family that’s suffering or just to a tired mom

-volunteer somewhere-anywhere that needs it! Homeless shelters, nursing homes, at your church, etc.

-give financially to childhood cancer research. Gold Network of East Texas, Alex’s Lemonaide Stand, and St. Baldrick’s are all great organizations determined to fund research for BETTER TREATMENT FOR OUR KIDS

The list could go on an on…..I’m open to suggestions too!

These things are all small and simple but, if enough people are determined to do more, then the impact becomes huge.

H.O.P.E. doesn’t just bring hope to the people you are serving. It speaks hope and life into your life. We are closest to God when we serve His people. Luke 6:38 says “give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

We still could use as many prayers as possible to get through each day without her. We still are struggling with what’s next and how to cope with this grief. Thank you to every prayer, card, donations, meal, and message that we’ve received. You have no idea how loved we feel by those around us and how humbled we are by Sophie’s impact.

Please also keep praying for our sweet friends. Addie, Jase, Abigail, Audri, and Kaylynn. 💜🎗

Keep her hope alive by sharing H.O.P.E.

Helping Other People Everyday

Month One

It’s been one month. One month since I saw her eyes, watched her breathe, and held her on my chest. One month since I changed a diaper, gave a bath, and rubbed lotion on soft pale skin. One month of trying to stay so busy that I don’t have time to think. One month of going through the day only to see her face when I try to sleep. One month of sitting by a graveside, burying my face into blankets and clothes trying to find a smell, begging God to take the terrible memories away and make the good ones more vivid. One month of aching arms and broken hearts.

But at the same time…

It’s been one month of getting loved on by more people that I can name. One month of gift bags, movie nights, dinners, lunches, hugs, and sweet messages. One month of hearing countless stories of how Sophie has and is still changing lives. One month of growing closer to my husband and my God because there’s no one else to turn to. One month of longing to be ‘Mom’ and friends saying here’s my baby to love on you. One month of being in a place where I’m forced to sit and BE STILL and know that He is God. One month of being COMPLETELY SURE that there HAS to be a Big God with a big Plan otherwise, how have I made it a month? That’s nothing short of a miracle in itself. We get up each day, still sad, yet determined to live a life worth more. We are living a life that’s broken and the only thing that can hold it together is Jesus.

You know, I’ve been kind of dreading today. February 4th. One month since she left us. But, I woke up this morning at complete peace. I woke up with the sweetest thought in my heart, Shelby, you aren’t one month further from her but, you’re one month CLOSER to an eternity with her and with Jesus.that has given me such peace today, even joy almost.while there’s no joy in losing your child….I’d never try to be fake and say that….there is joy picturing her healed and whole, running and dancing and watching us. There’s joy knowing that she’d be so sad if we just curled up and didn’t do more with our lives.

So where does that leave me? Where does that leave Sophie the Brave, this blog, and her legacy? The full answer is…..I have no idea. The short answer is, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to wrap my mind around those questions. What’s next? Where do I go from here? How do I make my life about more?

So that’s what I’m exploring. I’ve been super inspired lately and am working on several different posts/articles. I’m working on a public speaking course and putting some serious time into studying my God’s Word and reaffirming in my heart that even though I am shattered and I still don’t understand why her…He is STILL BIGGER. Jonathan and I are figuring out how our marriage looks in this new light and we are looking for ways to DO MORE FOR SOPH.

How can you help?

1. Keep following our journey. I wanted this blog to be about more than Sophie and more than my journey as her mom it, about Jesus shining through all of it. And I’d love for you all to continue to follow me through this.

2. Please keep praying for us and our families and praying for what’s next for us all. Just because we have faith in the bigger picture, it doesn’t make the current picture hurt any less….like I said, I spend a lot of time with my face buried in her suitcase of hospital clothes. All the positivity in the world doesn’t change the broken hearts.

3. Pray for my speaking ministry course…..nothing may come of it but, it’s got me excited about writing and wanting opportunities to share what God is putting on my heart.

4. Keep looking for ways to DO MORE FOR SOPH and please share stories with us! It gives our hearts such joy knowing someone is doing something bigger just because Sophie inspired them.

Stay tuned for what’s to come because it just feels like the Lord has us right where He needs us.

What does grief look like so far?

It’s been 15 days. Most days we are ‘ok’ but, there’s not a second that things don’t feel wrong. We feel like we are supposed to be parenting yet, there’s no one here to parent. I should be making snacks, packing a diaper bag, arranging a baby sitter, reading books…….but I’m not. It’s only been 2 weeks and I have no idea how I’m going to live the rest of my life without her.

Grief. It’s a weird emotion. We all know there are stages. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. We’ve been grieving in one form or another since our life changed on May 18th. It cycles over and over, sometimes all in one day. We grieved our old life, our child’s innocence, our relationships with everyone else in our life, and our little bubble of happiness. Then we kind of got acclimated to the cancer/hospital lifestyle and it started to feel normal. A new normal. We had resigned to that being our life and we were going to handle it because we could do this if it meant she’d be ok. We could put our life on hold for 3 years and get her through this.

Then August 7th and relapse happened. Again we started grieving. We fought HARD that month to keep her alive and then we watched as the horrendous rescue chemo took all of her independence away. So again, we grieved-her voice, her walk, her playing, her moving on her own, sitting up, eating, drinking….. we grieved as it all went away. Then YET AGAIN we started adjusting to a new normal. Chemo, speech, physical therapy, occupational therapy, massage therapy, mouth care, feeding tubes, new meds…..all became normal. And finally, another relapse and then she left.

Grief has taken so many forms since January 4th at 2:11PM. It looks like so many things and I quite honestly don’t have the energy to put them into full sentences so, I guess a list will have to do. What does grief look like? It looks like…..

-Holding her for the last time because it’s time to lay her flat

-Giving the last bath and putting on lavender lotion because it’s her favorite

-Signing partial autopsy permission forms

-Writing ‘mom’ next to relationship to patient for the last time

-Leaving her in a room alone and walking out of the hospital

-Leaving her giraffe with her so she’s not alone

-Picking out clothes, Crocs, a bow, and what we wanted in the casket with her

-Laying on the kitchen floor crying because her pictures are on the fridge

-laying her Mattress on the floor and trying to find her smell

-Cleaning medical supplies out of the bathroom because you can’t stand to see them anymore

-Being in the funeral home building at the same time as her but not being able to see her

-Watching my husband fall apart over and over as we sit on the bathroom floor together

-Getting enraged at really dumb stuff

-Irrationally hating everyone with healthy kids

-Sniffing everything trying to find her smell- pacifiers, toys, blankets…..

-Sleeping with 2 blankets and a giraffe because they were hers

-Carrying the pink blanket all over the house with me

-Eating once a day and losing 20 pounds because you’re constantly nauseous and at the same time hungry

-Feeling like you should be parenting but you can’t

-Knowing no one has a reason to call you mom anymore

-unfollowing every mom blog that you’ve gotten advice from for 2 years

-Not leaving the couch all day

-Not being able to watch them close the casket

-Your arms ache because they’re empty

-Resenting everyone for going back to ‘normal’ when your life is still blown apart

-Reliving her death over and over and seeing her laying there perfect and still

-Praising the Lord for her freedom while crying out for her to come back

-Worshipping

-Sitting in the shower to cry

-Standing in front of hundreds of people and giving your child’s eulogy

-Seeing her everywhere-her hoodie towels in the cabinet, her raviolis in the pantry, and her dishes in the kitchen

-Laughing because it’s ludicrous that you’re sitting on the couch at noon instead of at work or the hospital

-Feeling like you’ve moved away because you miss the hospital and the nurses

-Doing stuff you hate because she did much worse for 8 months

-ignoring your phone for days and days

-Having no purpose because your full time job for 8 months is over

-Laughing with friends then feeling bad about it

-Falling asleep on a couch in a room full of 30 people

-Letting your friend’s 2 year old fall asleep on you watching Mickey because you’ve missed it so much

-Sitting at the cemetery, alone wondering how in the world this is your life

-Relearning how to be married full time

-Seeing a Trolls alarm clock at Kohl’s and losing it

-Getting a ‘mommy and me class’ flyer in the mail and sitting on the curb by your car sobbing

-Aching for a baby but, knowing you just want your baby back

And a thousand more things that pile up each day

I wish I had a redeeming moment to add to this. We aren’t just sitting on the couch crying all day but, we are sad everyday….all day. There’s moments of happiness in our days but, still we are sad. It feels wrong to be here. Every part of every day feels so wrong. My arms physically ache for her. My husband can’t stop watching videos and looking at pictures. We are broken.

BUT GOD IS BIGGER. BIGGER THAN CANCER, BIGGER THAN GRIEF, BIGGER THAN US.

Today, Jonathan opened his Bible and it opened to Jeremiah 31 and its there that I’ve found hope today. While we are oppressively sad and crushed by the weight of her absence….there is still the promise of joy. There’s hope in what’s to come. And for now, we try to….yet again….find our new normal and continue through the process of grief.

Jonathan and I are getting on a plane tomorrow and heading to California for 8 days together. We are packing those days full or touristy activities, food, shows, shopping, and marriage. Please, if you think of us, be in prayer for safe travels and for true connection with each other. Please pray for our broken hearts and for peace that can only come from Jesus. Pray for God to show us ‘what’s next’.